Is Nice the same as Kind? (And when did Agreeableness become a part of either?!)

This is one of the hardest things I think and talk about, and even writing about it in the safety of my favorite chair is making me so fucking uncomfortable it’s crazy. I worry folks won’t like me for what I have to say, it will hurt my reputation, my income. But I 💯 believe that being uncomfortable is not something to be avoided, it should be embraced as the healing tool it is. And I know this is really not about me at all, (except for me wanting this world to be a better place) and I deeply believe in this, so here goes.

In white America we confuse being Nice with being Kind, but they are not always the same thing, and we need to stop it! (Huh?) We sacrifice a lot of Kindness in the name of being Nice. The pressure to be Nice (read agreeable) to keep the peace, keep our job, not make anyone (read white folks) uncomfortable is intense, (don’t be a hater, we all know it and feel it), not start an argument (as if argument was a four letter word). Yes, I am including myself in this … as willing as I am to speak up when I disagree with something, to call out when a thing is a thing, I am also ashamed about how many times a week I pull up and stay silent to be Nice. Even as I write this, I am struggling to find ways to make my point without alienating folks, as if those folks who would be alienated are going to ever have their minds changed by anything I say, especially white Niceness and its best friend, white silence. 😔🤦‍♀️ And I am someone that most people think has no filter simply because of how often I am willing to not “be Nice”.

First, let’s be sure we are clear on what I mean here - this is NOT a diatribe about political correctness. Political correctness is about being Kind. While labels, stereotypes and other terms are funny in a comedy club, but in everyday life they are not Kind (or Nice for that matter). The type of Nice I am talking about is the polite, quiet, agreeable Nice that white America knows and loves. The type where you hear someone else say something you KNOW is wrong, (mean, hurting others, racist or whatever else type of wrong it might), and you stay silent, or say something pithy, or change the subject, thereby implying you agree with your silence - all to be Nice, to not make waves, to not draw attention, to not make any white person uncomfortable or GOD FORBID to not cause a scene. ‘Cause let’s be honest, white America hates making a scene (we do however love watching one we can blame on anyone but ourselves, and I’m pretty sure America’s obsession with reality TV is living proof of that). And Niceness is a tool that supports exploitation, discrimination, and racism every day, everywhere, all the time. Niceness is a deliberate tactic to maintain an exploitative and racist capitalist system that disadvantages 97% of us all day every day. (Complete and utter mind fuck right?). Before you come for my head, let’s break down how that could possibly be true.

Next, the definitions: (can’t lie, I thought these definitions would be simple but boy was I wrong, so skim if you must).

Nice (adjective) - The first definition that pops up when you Google the definition of Nice is “pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory”. Merriam-Webster says “1) polite, Kind, 2) pleasing, agreeable, appropriate, fitting and 3) socially acceptable, well-bred, virtuous, acceptable. Cambridge Dictionary says “1) pleasant, enjoyable or satisfactory; 2) Kind, friendly.

Digging deeper however reveals Nice evolved dramatically from its first usage in English! From the Online Etymology Dictionary - late 13c., "foolish, ignorant, frivolous, senseless," from Old French nice (12c.) "careless, clumsy; weak; poor, needy; simple, stupid, silly, foolish," from Latin nescius "ignorant, unaware," literally "not-knowing. According to Ernest Weekly’s, An Etymological Dictionary of Modern English, John Murray, 1921; "The sense development…extraordinary, even for an adj." — And, By 1926, it was said to be "too great a favorite with the ladies, who have charmed out of it all its individuality and converted it into a mere diffuser of vague and mild agreeableness." [Fowler, H.W., A Dictionary of Modern English Usage, Oxford University Press, 1926.]

Kind (adjective) - Google says “having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature”, adding “ARCHAIC - affectionate or loving”. Merriam-Webster, 1) of a sympathetic or helpful nature, of a forbearing nature, arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance; 2) of a Kind to give pleasure or relief; and 3) (chiefly dialectal) affectionate, loving. Cambridge Dictionary says 1) generous, helpful, and thinking about other people's feelings; and 2) not causing harm or damage.

Digging deeper, Kind seems to mean pretty much the same thing today as it did way back when even if context has broadened from familial to general.... Sense development probably is from "with natural feelings," to "well-disposed" (c. 1300), "benign, compassionate, loving, full of tenderness" (c. 1300).”

Whoa. Those two words have VERY different definitions and etymologies. (How the F did Nice go from foolish, careless and ignorant to polite, agreeable and oh so socially acceptable?!?) Other than “Kind” all of the descriptor words for Nice are pretty superficial, they are about mannerisms, tone or interpretation - they have no substance about the impact of behaviors, (or as one friend of mine put it “Nice has no backbone”). I have NEVER seen the word Nice, or any of its descriptors, in the Bible or any other religions tome (in fact every major prophet in recorded history was actually preaching against the societal norms of their times weren’t they?). From the entomological research we can see the big jump seems to have come somewhere in the later 1500s to early 1700s. (And we all know what else happened during that time, can anyone say Colonialism? 🤔) Despite our modern definitions conflating the two words, nowhere in the definition of Kind does politeness or agreeableness enter into it. Other than our colloquial use of that word, all the definitions I found tie Nice to agreeableness and other toothless words, and not one ties it to any feelings, let alone compassion, tenderness or love. So tell me again how is being Nice really the same as being Kind?

So, when did Nice become so damn triggering for me? All my life I have been someone who is willing to voice my opinion, and this is doubly true if (IMHO) someone else was being bullied, maligned, exploited or silenced but it was not until I moved to the Pacific Northwest was I confronted with the idea that Niceness is synonymous with agreement in many regions of America and found myself consistently lying to folks about my opinions and ideas just to live in relative (and very boring) peace, or have any ‘friends’. While I freely admit I am not always “Nice” and a born contrarian, I am also loving person that is rarely unKind. I am far from perfect, certainly racist at times (even after years of working hard to learn antiracist ideas and unearth my many unconscious biases), but overall loving and forgiving with a passionate desire to figure out my shit and promote goodness in the world, particularly when it comes to defending the little guys.

I started thinking about this topic many years ago when I lived in a pretty little city in central Oregon. In fact, I lived there for over 10 years, even though I never really felt at home, and in retrospect Niceness played a huge part in my discomfort. My first job in this pretty little city was bartending at the premier local country club. And the very friendly white folks who were members asked me all kinds of questions about my past. At first, I shared freely, and always included places I had previously lived, including Aspen CO. For some reason, Aspen often evoked a leading question like “wasn’t living in Aspen so similar to living in this pretty little city?”. Being me, I gave my honest answer, “No” (OK, I said it kindly and with more words, but the gist was always no because the two places are NOTHING alike). And folks got PISSED! (And fr, most of them had never even been to Aspen, which I know ‘cause I asked ‘em). As a white girl from western New York State (think Buffalo unless you’ve actually heard of Chautauqua County) I was raised in spaces where folks voiced their opinions freely, and anyone who disagreed freely voiced their dissent (and 8 out of 10 times hilarious arguments ensued). Folks called out their disagreements, called each other names, cursed to emphasize their points and anyone in earshot felt free to join in - either supporting one of the sides or adding yet another point of view that dissenting from both sides, and no one got too tweaked! If you didn’t like it you could call it out or walk away, no one really cared either way. So I had never felt reluctant about voicing my disagreement with something said, and had no clue most of America had major issues with it. So needless to say, I was CONFUSED when I landed in that pretty little city and after the forth or fiftieth repeat of this conversation with different folks I just stopped bringing it up or straight up lied and said “yes”. I really was questioning when and where to share myself (which is a healthy thing to examine) and over time shut down almost completely (which is not healthy for anyone to do to themselves).

Eventually the one thing that best encapsulates what kept me feeling like I had landed in an alien land (and sounds very funny, but it’s true, odd how crazymaking come in all forms 💁🏻‍♀️) was a pretty simple thing. Many shops in this pretty little city had signs posted near the registers that simply read “Be Nice”. That’s it, “Be Nice”. And damn, did those signs triggered the f*&^ out of me. I realized it was completely oxymoronic to be pissed off by a sign that says, “Be Nice”, since being Nice is such a ubiquitous directive in white America but that didn’t keep the voice in my head from screaming back “Don’t tell me how to behave!!!”. And it forced me to start to really think about Niceness.

Needless to say, as I pondered all of this, it began to dawn on me that I lived in a place where being Nice was more important than being Kind. A lie was perfectly acceptable if it spared someone's feelings in the moment and kept the liar from feeling uncomfortable (and while once in a blue moon that is the Kind thing to do, most of the time it really isn’t). And I felt really alone in believing telling the truth was actually Kind, that disagreement and everyone being entitled to express their opinion was Kind and that was more important than being Nice. Even as I moved back eastward, I found that more and more this Nice trap was infecting all of white America. Our desire to conform and “Be Nice” (and force everyone else to conform) is anything but the kindly benign act we white folks think it is. But the most damaging is our failure to recognize, and know, is how Niceness is a trap within a trap that is metaphorically killing me and all white Americans, metaphorically killing the America we love, and literally killing black, brown and asian Americans. Our desire to not make a fuss, and to automatically judge as wrong anyone else making a fuss, is holding us back. Could it be the change is related to the etymology of “Nice”? Could it be that being Nice is still a bit foolish despite our modern (racist?) idea that it is not?

I challenge you to contemplate this, and the next time you are inclined to stay Nice and silent and wondering if it is the right time to stray from that norm ask yourself this: When I am being Nice, who am I being Nice to —the person who is the victim of the unKindness or the person who is the perpetrator? — is my business going to benefit by me staying silent right now? —is being nice right now really a lie that will hurt 2x later?

And if you are really brave, the time you ask yourself “What can I possibly do about the unstemmed perpetuation of racist ideas in America, remember this is it. End your silence. Stop being Nice and start being Kind. This is something every one of us can do, every day to make a difference in America’s future. Are you brave enough to end your Nice silence?

As always, I welcome your thoughts on this! Hit me up in the comments below.

Peace and Love.